the first day - 1 march 2010

 

1 march 2010

Donna De Lory - He Ma Durga

02:38

My whole body (bones, muscles, spine, head) began to ache.  This pain is  moving  though my body. I am smiling.  I let go my desire to eat.  The bottle of fizzy water is nearby. I don’t want it anymore.  I have realized  that  it was my last chance to  make the transformation of my body into the Light before I lost it.  That awareness  made it easier  to let go my need in food and fizzy water.. There  is a  part of me inside  running about and  screaming: What about me? What about me?!!!  It trying to fulfill me with  desire to  eat  crackers. Hahaha:) So, I`ve  imagined myself eating crackers  and food  in general.  And like I grew fat and cannot stop eating. I tried  to  feel deeply as I was dying  not taking  any chance  to change my life completely. It always helps  me  to free  myself from  different desires.   I have  my ears buzzing and my head is dizzy.
  My ego is  coming to life. I am angry at Leslav ( my boyfriend). I release my emotions trying not to suppress pain and anger. I know it`s just Ego vibrations on the surface of my mind.

 I`m asking myself:

  -Who is angry?

  -My personality. Me ( like “I AM”) is in Peace.

 Energy sphere  of  Unconditional Life*  is formed in solar plexus area and  nourishing me.  While I was  reading  the one of Yoga  tractate all symptoms dissolved. It looks like my personality is dissolving  in time I am concentrating on integration with outer world to the Core of Light.
 13:51

I woke up at 9 AM and felt  my body ice-cold. It was  near  unbearable for me but I could not warm my body. I back to sleep and woke up at 12 PM. My temperature came to normal. It was  hard to get asleep. It  broke me to trans  state or  threw out of the body.  Reminded myself  to do more Pranayama and   holotropic Breathwork.  I clearly understand that when the  first  crisis comes I will sleep the whole days as the dead man. There is a strict determination inside  me to walk through this path till the end!  Of course, my Personality is worried a little bit.

 I`m telling  myself: To live without LIFE* within is the greatest  nightmare, much worse than to Die.  When I stop time flowing  in my Mind, the rush goes away. I need to go deeper in this  kind of state. I need it to be as Deep as my feeling of the SOURCE* is.  When time stops flowing I am Peace within completely. It`s like I am in a Space-pocket, where nothing touches me on, either life or death, thoughts or feelings. It just the state of Existence.

   14:39

 I am Immortal and I know it. My body is a shell like a machine by which I can Play my Game in this World. Not for the immortality I am searching. I am the SOURCE within… I am Present in Everything, I begin to feel it much deeper with my body. I need  to convert my machine* to have a possibility and bring Life and Liberation where Everybody is Free and Full of Life… but do not acknowledge it.

But first I need  to make it real, actualize this Knowledge with every level of my bodies.

There is  no Higher purpose but to Serve others… Going  with this  Path* you can feel Oneness. When you realize that all of them are YOU! You are All of Them!!! You are Me!

 But still  Oneness doesn’t fulfill my Body and Consciousness completely. I need more Practice. I need  to confess myself  in Personal profit. I am doing  it  not for Good of all people, but only…ONLY for myself to have an opportunity to LIVE in this  World. To bring  The LIGHT in the world which  is Full of LIGHT*!!!   I Want to be the Incarnation of Crazy Wisdom for Unconditional Love!!
When the Liberation is beyond any logic and doubts, in spite of blocking, achievements and intentions whatever it is. When Love penetrates deep into the Systems, despite the logic of society, world and mind .. It is simply happening with fun. The mischievous dance of the Source happens within Crazy Wisdom!
Yippee!
That’s how it happens.
We don’t let the Crazy Wisdom comes in our lives freely by cutting it out with the logic of Mind. And then we try Hard* to deserve what is given for free! Trying HARD to get what is Absolutely free!

Donna De Lory - Jay Jay.mp3
March 1
Samadhi

It came quietly and happened suddenly and unexpected. I was just doing my business. After I had great conversation with Lyonya about inner and outward perception of life, I sat down on the floor and concentrated on my body. Then I touched the floor and went deeper into my experience of the world as the Source, The ONE*. The moment came when I felt like the plug in my anus had fallen out. And I felt that my self-awareness dropped down deeply into the Body of the Whole “WORLD”.
Just try to imagine: The WORLD has its own Body!!! And you are out of your body like a matryoshka, falling into deeper body –world`s body. Then you understand that it is YOUR body!
- Oh, God! THIS IS MY BODY and IT HUGE!!

It is impossible to put this experience into words and thoughts, even the images are useless. You need to live it within your body.
It's unbelievable. I am in a huge area of my great body under the name - this world. I began to laugh.

This self-awareness is so unusual, and so joyful and happy. I laughed for five or ten minutes. And then began to investigate this condition. I went back to my tiny body, and repeated my actions to "fall" into the body of the World again.
It Happened. And once again)))) This is so fun. There is no difference ... it is a great body and I have all these small bodies inside! Stunning!
It's all took place not only at the level of understanding but within self-awareness of my body. So, here you sit. Your body is sitting. Next moment your self-awareness “I AM” has fallen into the huge body. The identity of tiny (you normal) body keeps in place, beaming through the space as a great magnet.
And now, this self of YOURS* watches from the great body at his identity in tiny body and understands: Oh, that's what must be destroyed!!
(And all this happens in the full 100 percent of conscious, not entranced, but just in the middle of everyday life. I listen to music, write to ICQ and talk with Leslav ( my boyfriend) on the phone. This very state lasted for about forty minutes)

Then I felt that my body will die, but I AM! my body is the world .. went deeper .. the world is destroyed, And I still Am! (Sense of self-embracing that pervades everything and more..) . my body is the Universe .. and went deeper .. and included awareness of the “I AM”. I transmitted the sense of self awareness into sense of self identity, trying to get self- consciousness.
At first, I thought I just dropped out with my astral body. Then these thoughts went away.

I have split in two. Part of me was the sense of self “I Am” that is everything. And the other part of attention was the individual consciousness. All this was happening at the same time. I was myself in bifurcated state of perception without any stress or trance.
I asked myself: Who am I? .. Who experiences all these feelings? Because first  my personality and self-awareness were working bifurcated. And my self-awareness like a  child was sported, pervaded all and tried to touch everything inside   such a  huge  body of the WORLD..  My self-awareness was trying to understand this kind of body.  Then I felt fear of losing my individuality. It is like a magnet attached to the head. And about  ten hours ago I was  literally reading about this obstacle about the fear of losing individuality, body and life itself ( which is moreover impossible ). Only when we are losing something we consider to be ourselves, only then we find out The True Self, which is impossible to lose.

 Then I went deeper into awareness of that part of myself which was being experienced it. I realized  that Everything would collapses and  I would aware myself as a TRUE Self. At that exact moment all boundaries (desire to live and losing Leslav, “what about me?”)  turned on. And I thought : “I do not have  to live and create all I am creating everyday for  the People, because  They are Me, do I have to?”

I began to let go of it and  gave  myself feeling that  I  was ready to go HOME. I was ready to collapses everything as  I didn’t  lose anything at all.

It was indescribable and I didn’t perceived it  much then. The powerful déjà vu came as I was writing it.). I began to came back to my “everyday” self. For some time I was the World within. Then I jumped  from  the World`s body into my little body and back again. Then I went through the space between these two kind of Bodies. Then  I was Everything that do and do not exist. Again, I went under the density of the world and through the world. I just was!  I became aware and felt myself  about the   Knowledge that I am Everything. I AM…

All this is going to die, to be destroyed but I AM still here. I was born within this knowledge. But  now I experienced it deeply with my body. This  very strong feeling  was fixed in me. Not  in my body, but in ME-e-e-e ( In  my Self-awareness as I AM) !!!! I ever disappeared anywhere. I will always be here. Because I AM. I just exist as  the presence of “I AM” ,with no beginning, middle and end!

 I picked up a large pink Agate and came out of my little body into the huge body of the World and entered the body of the Stone. It was incredible .. I squeezed myself with my own hands!

 Yes, it was the Oneness!!! I experienced physically  to be myself as the stone and  the hands of my body exact the same time. It is extremely unbelievable. Those few seconds of the Oneness  changed    everything in me! 

The part of me, that before this experience  has been trying to control anything, if now it is just trying to make even a cramp of the pulse … make this experience to  come out    and my Personality laugh.

-What do I have to control? Are you insane? *laughing*

 I began to look for a description of what I have so deeply lived and experienced. (Not blurry, not a dream, not a trance.) In the  full awareness !!! And I found these two types of samadhi. For the most part it was savikalpa samadhi. And only a few points .. somewhere in two or three minutes it was something reminiscent of Sahaja Samadhi.

 When I have realized   that I needed just to reach out a hand  and took my “I AM Presence”,  I understood   that first  it was  necessary to destroy everything that I was here. And it happened that I was not ready yet. Boundaries brought me back.

 After reading about these kinds of samadhi, I realized:

It turned out that   my ability to be dissociated and to make time to stop - it was  savikalpa samadhi. Oh, my Gosh .. this was incredible .. I thanked to The Source .. All that exists .. every cell and atom of All of US .. ... I!!

And now it is very difficult to gather my thoughts .. The consciousness of the body   is getting used to this experience  at all, which  pervades all that I am. And now I realized ... I must totally be in Sahaja Samadhi coming back here and then it will be “the Thing”, then I will be able to transmute the body. 

So the first day of the transmutation process began with a blessing of the Source and the Universe ... It's all that I AM!! Oh, my gosh!!!)))) There is a total integration and rethinking.  For a couple of hours, I blurred in this experience, trying  to repeat it, then just stopped to understand who I am ... self-consciousness melted. Then I realized that I was stuck with one simple experience of Samadhi. I was  trying to repeat exactly the way in which it came to me again and again. But this was not right ... because it could come a billion ways .. I captured one of them.

And  I let it go. I realized  and went back to the emotionality. I turned on the music and  was dancing. Then I  played  guitar. I just was trying to integrate this experience into daily life.

Description:

First, there was a strong emotional outburst .. - I laughed for about 10 minutes .. - Then the experience deepened. - Then I came back to myself. - Then stuck in the experience. - Awareness of it and return to everyday life with a new sense of self. - Weaving  this experience in my emotions and feelings. -The body became very easy in sensation and flexibility.